Saturday, 26 May 2012

Beginnings of an Investigation

I am beginning to explore and investigate why I am afraid and terrified, rather than just accepting it as a fact that 'can't' change. What makes up my terror and how come I want to hold onto it and protect it so much? I would like to acknowledge that I still have not released it -yet- and that I have not even fully experienced my terror. BUT I feel there has been a teeny shift in the direction that IT IS POSSIBLE. I used to think it was IMPOSSIBLE and now having intellectually been telling myself some painful Truths and also beginning to open to seeing the effects that my fears and terrors have on those around me I feel I have more motivation to at least take a step towards challenging them. 

Dear God,
I pray for courage, humility and Faith and Trust in You to allow my terror and be willing to experience it

I still feel it is going to be a process and I will see how I go.

I had some 'image downloads' that showed me a bit of what I am like with fear.

This is me terrified showing you how HUGE my wall
of terror is. I can't even open my eyes I feel it is that
 big. If I did 'open my eyes' (Uncover the TRUTH)
I might get quite a surprise that it is possible to
actually feel through and get over it because
 it is JUST another emotion. 

Some terrors/false beliefs/false expectations
appearing real that make up my wall of terror.
Due to the fact that I live in my terror
and keep my terrors so close to me,
'protecting' them. It is very hard for me
To actually see beyond them. It also
prevents me being open and loving and
I sacrifice those around me in order to
Protect it.  If only I'd put my hands down
(submit and surrender to God) I would no
longer have the wall of terror. smile.
Living in my wall of terror.
I sometimes feel there
is no escape. That is a FALSE
BELIEF.
Protecting my wall of terror/error.
Rather than challenging it, acting in love
and feeling my way through it brick by brick.



 A little story that came to mind in images:


I meet someone. I say how I feel (if I am courageous in that moment).
The feeling coming out of me is: 'Don't attack me, don't attack me, I'll do
whatever you want just don't attack me' (not a loving projection! And a
huge expectation and demand upon the other person) 
Then... Emotionally I 'hide', shut down,
go out of body, or literally I hide, or 'have' to leave.
Rather than staying open emotionally and
FEELING whatever it is that is there to feel.
(This is protecting my terror and false beliefs
that I am going to be 'attacked'. If I stayed open felt
it and cried I am beginning to believe I would heal a lot faster.)
Sometimes I run and don't look back. But when
I am brave I then take a little peek (feel) to see what
has happened and if what I expected to happen has
(I take a breath and feel how I feel)...
Or see if I need to hide again. Which often I want to do, and do again.

Or to see if I am going to be wrong this time and surprised.
Did I 'prove' my false belief and add another
brick to my wall of terror, or has the
Law of Attraction changed for me?


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*The wall of Terror is borrowed from Mary. A really helpful talk I found was, 20100822 The Human Soul: Emotions and Addictions. Available to be downloaded as an MP3 from the Divine Truth Website